Daddy has allowed me to do a cross-posting on His blog as this topic is a little more fitting for His blog than mine. (see original post here http://tinyurl.com/625rf9 )
last night was a rough night for me emotionally. readers' digest version, i opened myself up to some of the darker of my desires through some erotica i read and it scared the hell out of me. of course, i was highly aroused but i also felt a sense of humiliation for finding so much pleasure out of such words. and, strangely, i also felt embarrassed that i had allowed Daddy to watch me in a state of frenzy over it. i literally felt like i wanted to crawl out of my skin once i had finally tired myself out. i call it strange because we have now been together for almost 4 years, which technically isn't long, but it seems like it's been so much longer (and not in a bad way).
for me, my sexuality has frequently been a secretive, hidden aspect of my life. at a young age, one of my fellow Girl Scouts (moms, don't let this scare you letting your girls be a scout) taught me how to masturbate during a sleepover. it wasn't a case of molestation - just mere childhood curiosity. however, that brief moment was enough to spark a desire in my belly that refused to be quenched. my fingers would creep along my folds as soon as i knew no one was watching, be it under the covers after being tucked in or off in a solitary corner of the house. being that i was a latch-key kid, i often spent my afternoons and evenings alone watching scrambled porn or reading certain passages of my mother's books. sometimes, i would challenge myself to see how quickly i could get off or see if i could get off in front of an open window before anyone walked by it. a cousin of mine (who has since come out as a lesbian) spent a summer with my family and we would have contests to see who could orgasm first. since we were related, i was too shy to look at her or touch her but now i wonder if she had wanted to. once i started dating, there were frequent late-night secret trips to dark places for heavy petting (and sometimes more) in my car. there was even a weekend i spent with a boyfriend when my mother thought i was at my best friend's house. as i progressed into college, i still kept my sexual life secret from even the closest of my friends - some would be horrified to find out exactly how many men i have slept/fooled around with. i even fooled around with my married supervisor of my work-study job, whose wife was a wonderful sweet woman. there was even a pregnancy scare at one point, which was hard for me since i didn't have anyone i could confide in about it. i made the rounds as well at the bar i frequented during and after college and, of course, the thing that the guys all liked about me was the fact that i was discreet about my encounters. i know i was setting myself up for disaster but my vault of secrets proved to make me more popular with the guys than some of the more overtly sexual girls.
so, when i delved into the online world where i could open up anonymously about my interests, i fell hard for quite a few guys with common interests, performing secret cam shows for some of them (even those who were involved with other girls). but, i fell too hard too fast, got hurt, and started to close myself off again. then Daddy came along...He made no secret that He enjoyed the darker side of BDSM and that was part of what drew me to Him. i could tell that He would not judge me no matter what interests i divulged to Him. and slowly, i released my darker desires to Him and He helped me to embrace and indulge those desires in a healthy and safe manner. i knew i had made a big step when i could even ask, be it very quietly, to buy erotica within one of those realms from a public adult store. from the start of our relationship, we both vowed to keep ourselves an open book to each other and, to His credit, He has held up His end of the bargain. myself on the other hand, there are still things that have peaked my curiosity but i am afraid of delving into those realms quite yet, which is why i haven't mentioned them to Him yet. now that we have a cable connection, He downloaded both erotica as well as videos both in themes related to what i was reading last night. i have quickly peeked at the titles but i'm not ready to read/watch them yet...maybe in a few days (or weeks, who knows).
i hope that, in the near future, i am able to open up more to Him as knowing my true desires and interests can only lead to a more open relationship between the two of Uus....thank You Daddy for letting me post here...love, Your babygirl
I Know... | Year 25 Week 23 Day 166
I've really been slacking on editing this blog. That will change soon enough I think/hope. Until then go look at one of the other blogs I have up.
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